In my mind, this sounds about right:
"Still, rumors persist, among those knowledgeable of the ritual, that the price will be paid in full, once vampires take a number of lives equal to those saved from the plague."
But, something tells me that it is awkward for some one else to read...
Any suggestions?
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Remove the comma after "full" and I think you're good to go.
ReplyDeleteI think there are too many commas overall. The flow of it could be made a lot smoother without most of them.
ReplyDelete"Still, rumors persist among those knowledgeable of the ritual, that the price will be paid in full once vampires take a number of lives equal to those saved from the plague."
or
"Rumors still persist, among those knowledgeable of the ritual, that the price will be paid in full once vampires take a number of lives equal to those saved from the plague."
or
"Rumors still persist among those knowledgeable of the ritual, that the price will be paid in full once vampires take a number of lives equal to those saved from the plague."
heck, even without any commas it seems to flow smoother.
"Rumors still persist among those knowledgeable of the ritual that the price will be paid in full once vampires take a number of lives equal to those saved from the plague."
In addition to eliminating all or most of the commas, you should try to simplify the compound phrases like "those knowledgeable of the ritual" and "those saved from the plague". They make the sentence long and hard to parse.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like: "Rumors persist among the knowledgeable that the price will be met once vampires take as many lives as were spared from the plague."
Dan(?), that phrasing makes it sound more like a modern news blurb. Which is fine, it's certainly more refined. But I think what's needed depends a lot on what atmosphere Dave is going for and if this section of the text is supposed to help evoke that feeling or just simply be clear.
ReplyDeleteFeel,
ReplyDeleteGood question. I was going for this sort of moral gray area. One, that is is just a rumor, two, that very few people have it, three, that what it means is vampires killing people just might be a good thing (no more vampires).
Yeah, atmosphere is important. I'd still suggest trying to simplify the complex phrases and hit the atmosphere with more exotic or colorful words (unless Dave's going for an intentionally baroque feel for the language). Something like "cognoscenti" instead of "those knowledgeable of the ritual", for example, or with metaphors like "balance the scales", etc.
ReplyDelete